TV Doctor Showdown! Dr Gregory House MD

This All Scubbed Up series gets underneath the fake blood, fake smiles and excessive use of shock paddals…

Who? Dr Gregory House MD
His Playground? House MD

An impersonal genius who harks back to the glory days of chauvinistic medicine.

Hot or Not: [3 out of 10] – No better looking than Dr Cox. I might get hit with the cane if he doesn’t like this answer.

Apparent Medical Skill: [8 out of 10] – A few good ideas, and a lot of luck. Excessive use of trial and error method. The bugger often treats up to 6 differentials - poor patients end up undergoing numerous cardiac arrests, seizures and anaphylactic reactions. Seizure hit-rate way too high for one doctor!

Bedside Manner: [3 out of 10] – Issues with race. Obsessed with white boards and black markers. Patients would hate him. Students would be amused… and then terrified. No-one likes the guy who says what we’re all actually thinking. Horrible rash, Dr House. Well, that’s fine, at least he won’t have to live with it for more than a week – being dead and all.

Ability to survive in Baragwanath: [6 out of 10] – Patient contact way too high. Bara is like a clinic-time hell. And patient histories would pose a problem. What would really kill it though is that his rare diagnostic skills would be absolutely wasted. Bara just doesn’t seem to get the incidence of rare tropical diseases that plagues his poor hospital. From leprosy to Cushing’s in an afternoon? Then again, arguing with myself – he’s got a super team. They have this uncanny ability to be porters, radiographers, psychologists, investigative reporters, hospital management, lab technicians, devilishly good-looking and rare-disease-diagnostic-experts all in one. THAT would be useful. The porters at Bara have tea.

What would I say if I woke up in his ward? Not much. He wouldn’t be there.

Doctor Showdown SCORE
[5 out of 10]

He’s everyone’s anti-hero. Personality of a huggable walrus. Too high maintenance. Manto wouldn’t tolerate him.

Red Bull + Jagermeister = Rape Cocktail

Spotted in The Saturday Star, a wonderfully non-investigative lambasting of Energy Drink Cocktails. Hold on tight - this one's gonna get tabloid.



Firstly, let's state the obvious. People who drink a lot, don't remember what happens to them. Duh. Yes, by adding stimulants like caffeinated energy drinks, you're slightly masking how drunk you really are. But the cold hard truth remains, it's not the energy drinks causing young girls to wake up in a stranger's bed - it's the 7 vodkas that got mixed with it.

Nothing has changed. You drink 7 vodkas. You get plonked.



So, let's analyse. The article reads like a high-school scare poster. BIG warnings about drinking energy drinks, going to the bathroom in pairs an avoiding scary men... but coffee and espresso cause the same medical issues! If you suffer from high blood pressure or pre-existing heart disease, even a wild afternoon in the coffee shop can be as dangerous.

What they say is vague and generic enough to be true, but it's completely sensationalist. Can you imagine the ignorant, the parents and the tee-totalers running around all panicky over the cheeky Red Bull they had last night? To compare it to Rohypnol is irresponsible and likely to attract a lawsuit from both Red Bull and Jagermeister, who have been plastered over this article like a Tokoloshe on the front page of the Daily Sun! What could have been a scientific re-examination of an old argument, shed in some kind of new light, has been turned into tabloid rubbish.



Christine/Shereen (the esteemed journalists), please focus on the real dangers that beset ladies in the clubbing world. Real, scary drugs that get slipped in people's drinks all the time. And the big bad men that do it. Not this crap.

If you don't believe us? Trust the Google Diagnosis (that wonderful laymans approach to Googling your symptoms or suspected problems). In fact, there's so much Google Diagnosis that I'm convinced The Saturday Star was on a tight deadline and rehashed the same crap that's been around for as long as drunk kids in clubs. Please, oh please, take the following articles with a pinch of salt!

• Red Bull in suspected link to Deaths
• Red Bull killed my son Michael
• Death by Caffeine
• Red Bull Kills
• Oh No! Red Bull kills!
• The Glories of Red Bull

TV Doctor Showdown! Dr Perry Cox.

This All Scubbed Up series gets underneath the fake blood, fake smiles and excessive use of shock paddals…

Who? Dr Perry Cox.

His Playground? Sacred Heart Hospital, Scrubs.

With quotable quotes like: “God? My brilliance is becoming quite a burden…” Ol’ Perry is fighting for first tee-off in the I-Am-God-Fourball (with Gregory House MD… of course).

Hot or Not: [4 out of 10] – He takes his shirt off all the time. Which is OK. But doesn’t lift him out of the realms of George Clooney’s ugly cousin. In fact, he’s not the eye candy I watch the show for (Dr. John Dorian has those crazy eyes!)

Apparent Medical Skill: [8 out of 10] – It’s a swoop in, swoop out, recite the diagnosis and the differentials type affair. He’s the typical Physician who knows his stuff. Has uncanny ability to impart wise teachings while belittling the life out of you. Make him your doctor. Don’t beat him at basketball.

Bedside Manner: [3 out of 10] – Has strange ability to extend one word into unusual amount of syllables. Re-he-he-he-he-he-he-heally… Also tends to confus the gender of male colleagues. Frequently. Pretty intimidating, really.

Ability to survive in Baragwanath: [9 out of 10] – A Baragwanath hero in the making. Completely tough nut to crack. No bending under 180-patients-in-one-night pressure. Deals with drunks, malingerers, psychotics and self-diagnosing Indian ladies with clinical efficiency.

What would I say if I woke up in his ward? Nothing. Anything I say would be used against me. Just let him do what he does.

Doctor Showdown SCORE
[6 out of 10]

Consummate medical skill unfortunately pulled down by odd gender bias and fascination with own pecks. Helluva teacher though. Wish I’d had someone like him in Anat Path.

The largest hospital in the world!

So, Google Maps just opened its warm capitalist arms to South Africa. We took a quick trip to show the world of blogging... Baragwanath Hospital. Old Bara is apparently the biggest hospital in the world by bed count. It's also the most multi-cultural Doctor-fest around. SA Doc had a Russian, Yugoslavian, Pakistanian, Congonese, Indian and 4 South Africans... just in one unit!


Feast your eyes ladies and gents. Note size of shacks bottom left and houses middle top. Just under 2km in diameter - no wonder the porters laze off.

TV Doctor Showdown! Meredith Grey...

This All Scubbed Up series gets underneath the fake blood, fake smiles and excessive use of shock paddals…

Who? Meredith Grey.
Her playground? Grey's Anatomy.

Something about Meredith is just so flaky. I don’t know whether it’s the raspy possum-like voice used to narrate her way around the pitfalls of sleeping with her colleagues… Or, the mousy I-wish-I-was-the-girl-next-door looks.

Let’s be fair. It’s just the first season.

Hot or Not: [6 out of 10] – You kinda think she would look hot. And then she kinda does, but kinda doesn’t. I just don’t know with this one. It’s hot, but condescending I-went-to-a-better-private-school-than you hot.

Apparent Medical Skill: [5 out of 10] - Maybe as a psychiatrist she’d get a higher score. Although definite minus points for having a cry while shagging the shy doctor (George). Was expecting a better performance out of dear Meredith. With that name, and those “mature” looks – she must have bummed around as a Chicken Licken sales lady before becoming an Intern. Just not fresh-faced and innocent enough.

Bedside Manner: [5 out of 10] - That flaky voice just doesn’t inspire much confidence.

Ability to survive in Baragwanath: [1 out of 10] – She’d cry on the first day, sleep with all her mates and then get vomited on by that drunk guy. This would obviously ruin those designer pyjamas. Tickets.

What would I say if I woke up in her ward? Does this come in a nurse outfit?

Doctor Showdown SCORE
[4.25 out of 10]

But then you didn’t really have to be a good doctor to make it onto TV, did you?