Stories from Internship: Elephantitis Man

I'm sure Bongi would agree with me that doctors are only human - and usually have many funny stories to tell from seeing hospital patients - especially during internship. You only have to watch an episode of Scrubs. And yes. Most of the time... Scrubs is true. A lot more realistic than Gray's Anatomy.

This reminds me of a competition that our unit ran for a couple of weeks (between four of us - we left out the two religious interns).

The prize: Lunch. Paid for while you sit and eat it quietly, the rest of the unit picking up the slack of your ward work. As you can understand, a rare gift as an intern.

The Task: Which of our patients had the largest penis?

Yes, it sounds cruel comparing private vital organs, but you all do it on the Net anyway... We weren't cruel or judging. In fact, you would have been disqualified if you laughed, gasped, or in anyway let the patient know what was going on. We became very inventive at showing skin blemishes in the inguinal area on ward rounds, or asking for a second opinion on a catheter insertion.

Needless to say after two weeks we thought we had a winner. Whilst congratulating him before a morning round, one of our religious interns came to ask about the commotion. We told her about the competition and our winner (and the size of the prize penis - "huge" is a good start).

"Can it be any penis, diseased or not?" she asked.

"Anything. This is a hospital of course".

"Well then you should have included me."

Thinking that there was no way our winner could have been surpassed - and also that we couldn't imagine this small, timid girl taking note of any man's penis, we followed...

She lead us down the long corridor and we gathered around a bed.

"Mr X, we need to see how the swelling is going," she said to the patient and removed the bed sheets.

If there has ever been a time that I have had to stifle a gasp it was then.

The man had elephantitis and the timid Intern got one HELL OF A LUNCH!

A second penis?

Founds this on Truemors.com

A baby boy was born with a second penis — on his back. The rare condition is called fetus in fetu. He was rushed to Tianjin Children’s Hospital in China’s Henan province on May 27. The second penis has been surgically removed.

What!?

Men and Their Penises.

I think its very funny when men come to the practice, sporting problems with their nether regions. They, the nether people, come in two varieties:

ONE. So self conscious about having a doctor examine anywhere below the fluff, that they barely open their pants to show me the goods. What do they think? I'm going to jump them, or laugh? Are they worried about getting an erection? Or are they good, ol' fashioned shy? Maybe it's because men don't often have to show their dangly bits to anyone besides their mother... I can't treat it, if I can't see it!

Women on the other hand, have to endure at least yearly checkups, lying spread-eagled on a cold bed doing the nasty with steel speculums. Do you see us worrying?

TWO. So overconfident about his manhood that he parades it around like a clown on a bicycle. Even after I've examined him, this specimen proudly stands around, pants at ankles, admiring me and his raging boner. Pull your pants up, dude. What do they expect? A measurement? An opinion?



Kind of like the guy above. Sigh. Men are bizarre. I should have been a Gynae.

A tale of two penises

Picture the scene. Early morning admissions. I woke up early, ready to cure the world (as one does). Man comes in. His file, under previous admissions has this one, fairly interesting entry.

"Admitted, xx/xx/xxxx, severe bite to penis".

Cool! Morbid doctor curiousity sets in. So, baba, how can I help you today?

"She did it again."

Dude. This second presenting case of penis bite had more than half the foreskin hanging off. Meaning it had to have been almost ENTIRELY inside "her" mouth when it got bit.

You've got to start wondering about the mentality here! Once bitten twice shy? Evidently not.

Although mildy amusing, this is an interesting example of the moral dilemmas that beset us Doc's every day. What if this was a rape? Gotta treat him anyway. What if you wanted to call him an idiot and tell him not to force the bloody thing where it's obviously not wanted? Can't. Gotta treat him anyway.

Sometimes it's hard to stay distant. I hope I don't see penis bite boy again. I might feel the need to swab excessively.