An amazing medical sentence...

What the hell.

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.

e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.

The Slice 'n Dice. Surgical Cartoons #3

Har! Har! From AHAJokes...

The Slice 'n Dice. Surgical Cartoons #2

Har! Har! Also from CartoonStock.

The Slice 'n Dice. Surgical Cartoons #1

Har. Har. From CartoonStock.

Alzheimer's. Thought for the Day.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The effects of Swine Flu...

Horrid disease! Turns a perfectly cute bouncin' baby into THIS...

The four stages of life...

Sad they we all end up on a drip. We should reverse the process!

The eternal battle between good and evil...

VS...


We're going into trouble for this - aren't we?

Medical Cartoon #4

From WrongDiagnosis.com. Har har!

UK. Aphthous Fever. Bah.

The bloody brits... What will they chain-letter next :)

---snip---

Department of Health
Minister for Health
Victoria Quay
Walsgrave Hospital
Coventry

COVENTRY, July 23, 2008

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS AND NURSES

CONFIDENTIAL
Subject : New contamination possible in most Towns

Recent studies conducted on "aphthous fever" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most Health Board areas. Cases have been reported in Norwich, Stevenage, York, Birmingham, Barrow-in-Furness, and more recently in Leicester, Durham and Nottingham.

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine and spirits. Most (97.6%) of the subjects would encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without alcohol for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without alcohol would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in Coventry immediately.

Our research to date has resulted in a cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months!!!

Neurotics and Psychotics

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

Thanks to Medical Jokes on Geocities.

Doctor Chart Bloopers #1

Found these at The Doctor's Lounge. Not from real Doctor's. Obviously. Well. Maybe.

*The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

*The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

*Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

*She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

*A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.

*The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

*Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

*The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

*Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

*She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.

*She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.

*Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

*I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

*Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

*The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

*The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

A new pill to cure all...

Har har!

GUEST POST: Lenshopper.com - Amazing Emergency Room Stories

Welcome to All Scrubbed Up's 3rd guest blogger... Lenshopper.com! Enjoy their fine fare of humorous anecdotes...

Amazing Emergency Room Stories
Every day hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are rushed to different hospitals emergency rooms. All of them with real injuries and physical complaints but with different reasons as to why they had to be hospitalized. Here are some funny emergency room stories. Whether or not they’re true events is up to you to decide but stranger things have happened. Or?

Tricky Contacts
On a regular Tuesday evening a local emergency room in Pennsylvania gets a visit by a man that can’t remove his contact lenses. Under the obvious influence of alcohol the man complains of his head aching and abnormal pains in his eyes. Explaining to the nurse that he has been trying to remove his without any luck. The contacts will only come out halfway before popping back in. The nurse then uses a suction pump to get the lenses out but with no result.

When the doctor finally examines the man he quickly realizes that the man has in fact not contact lenses but has being trying to remove the membrane of the cornea. Hence the pain in the eyes.

Don’t Ride An Ambulance in San Francisco
After answering a 911 call from an elderly woman paramedics are rushing back to the local San Francisco ER. While driving up an incline ambulance personnel witness how the back doors of the ambulance suddenly fling open. The stretcher with the resting woman flies out the back and rolls down the hills at a horrifying speed. Rolling through a crossing missing ongoing cars by mere inches the stretcher finally comes to a stop and tips over. The woman is found to be without any physical injuries but clearly chocked.

Bungee Jumping With A Foot Loose
Arriving to the emergency room of Tacoma, Washington, Kerry Bingham had spent the night drinking with his friends. After about the 5th pitcher somebody told the story of a friend of a friend of a friend who had bungee jumped from a nearby bridge during rush hour.

Inspired by the story Kerry and his friends decided to follow this dared devil’s example and too bungee jump from the very same bridge. Well there they realize they have no bungee jump cord, a minor detail according to Kerry who is drunk as a skunk by now.

Several minutes later Kerry’s left foot is strapped and secured to a coil of lineman’s cable and he makes the jump only to fall 40 feet before the cable stretches, feel his left foot being torn of his leg and tumble into the cold river beneath.

Miraculously Kerry survives the fall and is picked up by two fishermen and rushed to the local ER. He later thanks god for keeping an eye out for him and swears never to drink again.

Hospital pecking order...

Okay, okay - so I'm "adapting" another thing from Medical Jokes on Geocities... hope they don't mind, but this was way too good to pass up.

The Surgeon...
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

The Resident...
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB gun
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

The GP...
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

The MO (Medical Officer)...
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals

The Intern...
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

The Med Student...
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

THE SISTER...
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Sister IS God

Medical... Aids...

Unfortunate wording of an ad that appeared on All Scrubbed Up. No real alternate option though if you think about it... Medical SCHEME doesn't sound too great. Neither does Aids.


Shouldn't really be making jokes about this, should I?

Zuma vs Google

Har. Har.


Try searching for Idiot who thinks a shower cures AIDS. It doesn't work anymore. Updated index or fudged funny. Still hilarious though.

WTF Medical Aid Funding Requests #3

What is a reasonable request from your medical funder? This All Scrubbed Up series looks at funding requests - from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Just remember. A medical aid funder is allocating money to all their members for REAL medical reasons.

Part 3. Your other lips.

Like most medical aids, we don't cover cosmetic surgery. But believe it or not - we always give people the benefit of the doubt. So when a request comes in for something that is seen as plastic surgery, we always ask the member for a doctor's motivation as to why this procedure is NOT cosmetic, thus repairing a functional impairment.

Labial Reductions.

(That means reducing your "other" lips in size - to look good when the lights on. You know.)

Sometimes there are "functional" reasons for this procedure to take place. For instance, the labia are so large, the person can't straddle a horse. I'm not joking.

The best application we received recently was for a member who's motivation for reduction was: she sprayed in every direction when she peed.

Girl's sit on toilets (I think?). HOW is that a problem? I am a Doctor. A Girl Doctor. I'm sorry - I would not want my pink bits operated on to that extent. We all know that mole removal scars hurt for weeks (and everytime in gets cold!). Can. You. Imagine.

Have a Happy Period!

Never know whether these things are true or not. But bwhahahaha. Funny nonetheless! I'm a boy, and even I cringe at the medical marketing.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I 'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Asprin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Medical Confessions

Har. Har. Pretty funny read...

Ever wondered if doctors are frightened of catching what you've got? What their notes really mean? Or how to get round their receptionist? We asked five doctors to spill the beans

Check it out here.