All Scrubbed Up

What the hell. “I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”. This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.

Har! Har! From AHAJokes ...

Har! Har! Also from CartoonStock .

Har. Har. From CartoonStock .

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Horrid disease! Turns a perfectly cute bouncin' baby into THIS...

Sad they we all end up on a drip. We should reverse the process!

VS... We're going into trouble for this - aren't we?

From WrongDiagnosis.com . Har har!

The bloody brits... What will they chain-letter next :) ---snip--- D epartment of Health Minister for Health Victoria Quay Walsgrave Hospital Coventry COVENTRY, July 23, 2008 IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS AND NURSES CONFIDENTIAL Subject : New contamination possible in most Towns Recent studies conducted on "aphthous fever" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most Health Board areas. Cases have been reported in Norwich, Stevenage, York, Birmingham, Barrow-in-Furness, and more recently in Leicester, Durham and Nottingham. It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine and spirits. Most (97.6%) of the subjects would encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without alcohol for 1 to 2 days on average. Extended periods without alcohol would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects woul...

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him. Thanks to Medical Jokes on Geocities .

Found these at The Doctor's Lounge . Not from real Doctor's. Obviously. Well. Maybe. *The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. *The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. *Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. *She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. *The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. *Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?) *Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. *A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area. *The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. *Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. *She is numb from her toes down. *Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. *The p...

Har har!

Welcome to All Scrubbed Up's 3rd guest blogger... Lenshopper.com ! Enjoy their fine fare of humorous anecdotes... Amazing Emergency Room Stories Every day hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are rushed to different hospitals emergency rooms. All of them with real injuries and physical complaints but with different reasons as to why they had to be hospitalized. Here are some funny emergency room stories. Whether or not they’re true events is up to you to decide but stranger things have happened. Or? Tricky Contacts On a regular Tuesday evening a local emergency room in Pennsylvania gets a visit by a man that can’t remove his contact lenses . Under the obvious influence of alcohol the man complains of his head aching and abnormal pains in his eyes. Explaining to the nurse that he has been trying to remove his without any luck. The contacts will only come out halfway before popping back in. The nurse then uses a suction pump to get the lenses out but with no result. W...

Okay, okay - so I'm "adapting" another thing from Medical Jokes on Geocities ... hope they don't mind, but this was way too good to pass up. The Surgeon... Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more productive than a train Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Talks with God The Resident... Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB gun Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God if special request is approved The GP... Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Is occasionally addressed by God The MO (Medical Officer)... Barely clears a picket fence Loses tug-of-war with a train Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Swims well Talks with animals The Intern... Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by a ...

Unfortunate wording of an ad that appeared on All Scrubbed Up. No real alternate option though if you think about it... Medical SCHEME doesn't sound too great. Neither does Aids. Shouldn't really be making jokes about this, should I?

Har. Har. Try searching for Idiot who thinks a shower cures AIDS . It doesn't work anymore. Updated index or fudged funny. Still hilarious though.

What is a reasonable request from your medical funder? This All Scrubbed Up series looks at funding requests - from the sublime to the ridiculous. Just remember. A medical aid funder is allocating money to all their members for REAL medical reasons. Part 3. Your other lips. Like most medical aids, we don't cover cosmetic surgery. But believe it or not - we always give people the benefit of the doubt. So when a request comes in for something that is seen as plastic surgery, we always ask the member for a doctor's motivation as to why this procedure is NOT cosmetic, thus repairing a functional impairment. Labial Reductions. (That means reducing your "other" lips in size - to look good when the lights on. You know.) Sometimes there are "functional" reasons for this procedure to take place. For instance, the labia are so large, the person can't straddle a horse. I'm not joking. The best application we received recently was for a member who's motivati...

Never know whether these things are true or not. But bwhahahaha. Funny nonetheless! I'm a boy, and even I cringe at the medical marketing. This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I 'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing ther...

Har. Har. Pretty funny read... Ever wondered if doctors are frightened of catching what you've got? What their notes really mean? Or how to get round their receptionist? We asked five doctors to spill the beans Check it out here .