Monday, July 28, 2008

UK. Aphthous Fever. Bah.

The bloody brits... What will they chain-letter next :)

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Department of Health
Minister for Health
Victoria Quay
Walsgrave Hospital
Coventry


COVENTRY, July 23, 2008

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS AND NURSES

CONFIDENTIAL
Subject : New contamination possible in most Towns


Recent studies conducted on "aphthous fever" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most Health Board areas. Cases have been reported in Norwich, Stevenage, York, Birmingham, Barrow-in-Furness, and more recently in Leicester, Durham and Nottingham.

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine and spirits. Most (97.6%) of the subjects would encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without alcohol for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without alcohol would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in Coventry immediately.

Our research to date has resulted in a cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Special announcement from the Department of Health & Welfare

Department of Health & Welfare
Minister for Health

P.O Box 69
Cape Town
8000


Cape Town, June 19, 2008


IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS

CONFIDENTIAL

Subject : New contamination possible in most Provinces


Recent studies conducted on "aphthous fever" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most provinces. Cases have been reported in Gauteng (31), Mpumalanga (24), Western Cape (1,145), Northern Cape (10), Kwazulu-Natal (23) and more recently in the Eastern Cape (15).

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine and spirits. Most (97,6%) of the subjects would encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without alcohol for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without alcohol would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in Cape Town immediately.

Our research to date has resulted in a cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months with plenty beetroot and garlic!!!

Please pass this document on to everyone you believe at risk!!!

Yours sincerely,

Manto

Special Advisors:
Mr Johnny Walker
Captain Morgan